What The Hell Is Wrong With You?

I wrote three short plays for a Halloween play festival, once upon a time.

First play, a dying woman discovers that she has, in fact, been poisoned by her "loving" husband.

Next play, a curious girl becomes convinced that her neighbor is a vampire. She's wrong, but that doesn't save her.

Next play, a hectoring woman and faithless wife send a man back to his premature grave.

I wrote a play that starts with a woman being shoved- beaten and bloody- onto a bare stage. I wrote another which features a woman planning to blow herself up. Another where a woman poisons a man, and still another where the cutest little grandmother in the world turns out to be a serial killer on the run.

The question has arisen... What the hell is wrong with you?  Oh, and the companion question- do you hate women?

I remember- sitting in the audience, after watching one of my pieces- an older lady wondered aloud what kind of person could write such a thing. I could not introduce myself fast enough.

Truth is... Nothing much is wrong with me, and I don't hate women. You could pass me by in the grocery store without having any sense of danger or depravity. Indeed, I am a big teddy bear.

But I tend to write horror, and there's something about placing women in jeopardy that works very, very well.  If that's sexist- and, yeah, it is a little- it's something men and women share. With men, the audience seems to expect the character to punch Evil in the face, kick it in the balls and scamper. Or die nobly, trying to save the damsel at hand.  Of course, there's nothing stopping a woman from doing so. But she has to be jeopardized first. The man, on the other hand? The audience has trouble accepting it.

Having said that... One way I've found to tweak things, to crack the mold?  Is to give the women agency. She gets into trouble by her own actions, and whether she lives or dies, she makes the relevant decisions.

Which has led some people to call me a feminist writer.

No. I'm a feminist person- thanks mom and dad- but as a horror writer? I just want to scare you shitless. And a woman in danger provides a nifty way of getting under everyone's skin. So as to make scaring you out of it easier.

So. Nothing to worry about. And if I sound defensive? It's because writing about  dark things slithering up the bed post at night makes people look at you with suspicion. I can live with that. But people thinking that I have a problem with women? I bristle.

A Writer's Toolkit #2: We Now End Your Broadcast Day.

One of the questions I am asked- repeatedly- is how I find the time to write.

No one ever believes my answer- or quite seems to believe it. Which is... I give up TV.

That's it. Honestly. When I am writing, I stop watching television. That clears an amazing amount of time. And if you're an average sort of person- it will for you too.

How much? According to the last report I can find from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, here in the United States we spend an average of two and a half to three and a half hours per day on TV.

A coupla sitcoms. An evening news show. I'll even agree with that loud claim you're all making in your heads- that you spend your TV time watching educational stuff, challenging stuff.

Fine.

The issue isn't what you watch, it's that you watch. And that you can take that time back, and that- if you really want to write- that's gonna be the easiest place from which to snatch the time.

You don't have to sacrifice time with the family, rise early, go to bed late- or any of the hair shirt stuff you might be advised to do by... you know... them other writer's site FAQs.

All you have to do is give up watching stories. Write, rather than watch.

Let's say you're a really disciplined sort. You set a goal- to write an entire page of your great American novel every day. You have two and a half hours for that. Every day. That's three hundred and sixty odd pages in a year. Plenty of room for a solid book's worth of plotting.

Some days you'll write more, some less. Some of you will bang out full works in much less time- you'll dedicate yourself to writing more each day. The point is- you do have the time.

Time to write short stories, a novel, plays- whatever.

Now.

Some of you probably don't watch a lot of TV. You may participate in sports, volunteer in your community- you may be doing all those things that we TV watchers... like to think... you know... that we will get around to. Probably have your garages cleaned out every spring and fall without fail, clear your gutters, get your cars lubed according to schedule, and so forth.

Okay. My advice then is to pick one hour during your waking day and sacrifice it to the writing gods. It has to be a time when you can be reasonably expect to be awake and able to think clearly.

If you tend to get up early- get up earlier. Night owl? Stick an extra hour on it.

What time do you call this, then? And where the hell have you been?

Point of fact, I've been riding my brand new 1996 motorcycle through a thunderstorm.

As I write this, I am soaked to the bone and very happy. Of course, that's where I've just been. After a pleasant evening with a mysterious and challenging lady friend.

 Where I've been until now? Living my life. I've had some work produced, directed a few times, and appeared in three movies, with a fourth on the way. I've also lost my mom, my cat, broken off one of the world's longest engagements and changed jobs.

 Anyway. I didn't mean to neglect this. I just got busy trying to do what I was talking about. Sorry. Next up? A short movie I'm writing to produce and direct, "That's Why We Don't Go Over There", and a movie I am trying to sell. We will go through the process of realizing those together.